— the laid.back buddhist —

Practicing Some Practical Idealism

Sometimes, I like asking people whose opinion I value and respect what they think. Although most times, I ask after the fact just to get a different point of view. And almost always, I end up doing what I want to do anyhow, taking into consideration what I feel to be the most important. No wonder my grandmother told my mom I’m a willful child. Or maybe it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, hmm…

Anyhow, this is particularly true for matters of the heart, since I’m not one to hide it. For one thing, I can’t do that very well, as one of my good friends from high school can help illustrate:

“Ok, ok, let’s practice.”

“Shoot.”

“So, I show up at your door with flowers, what are you gonna say? I’m him.”

“Hmm, I guess I’d get real quiet because I’d try not to show my emotions.”

He laughs at me, “You can’t do that!”

“What!?”

“That shows the most!”

“Oh. Well, that’s what I did last time, damnit.”

“No, do something that you know he wouldn’t expect. What would he not expect you to do?”

This is tricky, so after contemplating it for a moment, I finally say, “I guess I’d whack him for doing something that’d make me cry.”

“No, no, no…” He gives an exasperated chuckle, “You can’t do that either!”

“Darn.” This is hard.

He goes on to explain, “’Cause then it’ll show him he can make you cry.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” But ever the Hopeful Heart, I charge ahead, “Let’s try another scenario? Maybe?”

“Haha, okay. Let’s say he calls you and asks you to do something with him—“

“I don’t pick up!!!” I say excitedly before realizing, “But then it goes to voicemail, and I’d have to call back…”

Unsurprisingly, we never really did resolve my issue to a satisfactory conclusion, although I definitely felt a lot better. And started seeing the lighter side of things, so to speak.

I suppose if we’re really going to analyze the situation here, I don’t believe in hiding emotions (professionalism excluded, of course) of my heart because I don’t want to ruminate about those What Ifs or swallow bittersweet regrets.

Or maybe I do regret some things, and am only in denial. But I figure if I know that I wouldn’t have done things any other way (even if looking back I probably should have), then at least I can let go and move on.

Then again it can very well be the utter lack of control over certain situations or knowing beforehand it’s really gonna hurt me something terrible that causes me the most stress. Either way, all I know is that I haven’t felt this much stress since my laptop took a swim a few weeks ago. Which, get this, got fixed for FREE by an on-site Sony technician!!!! I mean, there’s a slightly faded 1” vertical strip that wasn’t there before, but they extended my warranty 90 days…so, I’ll be getting a new LCD screen, too!

And sooo, who totally ROCKS? *raises hand*

Alright, I ought to stop my blogging and start all those papers I need to do, all of which are currently nonexistent. Well, unless you count blank Word documents with saved titles…

…in which case, they’d only be nearly nonexistent, right?

Proof I over-analyze the most random things

“I’m a bleeding-heart humanist.” That’s what she called herself.

It’s been over a year since I read it and I’m not exactly sure why, but I’ve continued to remember that turn of phrase in this girl’s Facebook profile.

Maybe because I doubt that a person who is truly a so-called bleeding-heart humanist would go around proclaiming herself as such to everyone. Like how a person can’t legitimately proclaim to be a philosopher just because he or she philosophizes—it’s other people who recognize that person as a philosopher, otherwise it’s like you’re just posing. You see what I mean?

Or maybe, I just inherently doubt all people who claim to be something when there is rarely a term that can fully accommodate all interpretations and nuances…especially when our perception of things change as we continually add layers of knowledge to our experience.

You can even take “Laid-back Buddhist,” for example. Since, you know, I do “claim” to be one myself.

I chose it because it’s so open to interpretation and can be self-defined. Am I really Buddhist? Yes, in a lot more ways than people initially expect. But am I Buddhist in the traditional sense? Heck no. And what in the world is “laid-back” Buddhism even supposed to mean? That I have an easy-going nature which likes to question traditional thought or that I’m just plain lazy???

Ha! Damned if I know.

To be honest, I probably choose to poke fun at myself because I’m still in the midst of figuring things out. In gaining self-awareness, there’s this other method that I also like to use: defining myself by first figuring out what I’m not…

And for one thing, I don’t think I’d ever call myself a bleeding-heart humanist.

1. It can be such a superficial label, sounding too close to something that’s just the politically correct thing to say. In which case, a person isn’t actually a humanist but simply being one for others, by their definitions. Doesn’t that go against the whole humanistic ideal of self-concept and reaching full self-potential? Labeling yourself can sometimes be a constriction. I think that’s why I often anti-label myself (i.e. by what I’m sure I’m definitely not).
2. I see no point in adding “bleeding-heart.” If humanism were solely based on empathy, you might as well be honest and call it pity. Using a different adjective like “active humanist” or “proactive humanist” would make more sense to my mind.
3. If a person were a true humanist (granted, there are many different interpretations possible), he or she would actually be existentialist. Basically humanism, existentialism is just less optimistic and in many ways, more altruistic. At least, in my opinion. Very Jean-Paul Sartre? Yeah, a bit.

Hm, I ought to consider converting to “Laid-back Buddhist Existentialism.” Ooh, or how’s “The Buddhist Existentialist”? Uhh, “The Existentially Laid-back Buddhist”?!

Gah, all manage to sound absurdly pretentious! And rather confusing, even to me. So, I’ll stay true to my roots and opt for the most laid-back choice: keep the original. Proof that going in circles somehow always brings me back to square one.

I don’t know if I should feel relieved or just throw my hands up in the ironic absurdity of it all.

Be Mine

Some changes you can pick and choose, others you realize belatedly.

And bittersweet are the changes you can’t hurry along, no matter how impatient or willing the heart. So, it’s totally cliché to begin with “time flies,” yet it remains one of those phrases I continually overuse because I’m genuinely surprised each time.

And boy, did time fly this past month.

Perhaps it’s a symptom of mini-life-crisis panic attacks or something, but for all my independent spirit…the more I aim to find my own path, the more I find myself seeking courage (and encouragement) from my family. It’s as if I didn’t fully appreciate what home meant to me until I realized that it’s going to change.

It seems the constants in my life…don’t stay particularly constant themselves either. I change, so they start to mean something different, too. Yet, it’s the constants that help guide my life and personal choices. So that even if the world changed 72-times over and back, they are still the constants I’ll always come back to, no matter what.

Still, there’s something seductive about the act of finding and creating what you always wanted.

That something to call your own.

My own.