— the laid.back buddhist —

The Ah-Ha Moment

Call them epiphanies, eureka moments, or what have you.

Sometimes an “Ah-ha!” moment for me is not as instantaneous. That first moment of awareness doesn’t flip black into white with the mindless finger-tapping Ctrl+Z that I’m used to (as convenient as that would be!), but I am grateful for those micro-nudges towards a new direction. Like a click that needs some time to marinate before fully registering, it’s more of an “Ahhh………ha!”

Or maybe even “Ahh…hhuh?!…….ha!”

Regardless, it’s a process with no endpoint, like a tree with branches that continually expand or a regenerating cycle. My new favorite quote by Tyson Edwards comes from my Level II yoga training manual and it sums up that journey eloquently:

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Choose your words, for they become actions.

Understand your actions, for they become habits.

Study your habits, for they will become your character.

Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

-Tyson Edwards

I literally opened my eyes when my master trainer read that quote aloud to us yogi trainees during practice and thought, “Oh my god, what have I been thinking!”

Teetering back towards negativity, perhaps?

Maybe this might seem an exaggeration to some, but I really believe yoga (among some other things) has saved me from the worst of myself. That is, my basic warring inner demons: optimism versus realism, practicality versus irrationality, and impulsiveness versus logic…my heart pitted against my mind.

But training to teach yoga is doing more than opening my eyes, mind and heart…it is showing me that despite the differences, how they can be one. Sound like some yoga wooha? Maybe. Yours truly is still learning how to communicate yoga philosophy to others. Yoga is a journey I’ve only just initiated. Or if I’m going to more accurately practice my yoga, so to speak, re-creating a new journey each day.

My little sis chuckles every time I say practicing my yoga, probably because it’s usually accompanied with an exasperated sigh and self-deprecating laugh.

Exhibit A.

“Jie jie, now that you’re home I can wear your clothes for the last month of school, right?”

“Sure.”

“Tomorrow can I wear your black shirt? And on my bed, I have your turquoise shirt and brown belt, too, for later this week.”

“Mmhmm…”

“Oh! And on Saturday can I wear your black pants for the walk?”

“Okay, but they’re starting to get faded since I wear and wash them so much. Try not to get them muddy.” I take a deep breath and then shake my head, saying, “Argh! I’m not practicing my yoga…must let go of attachment!”

She laughs, but makes sure to double-check, “So I can wear them Saturday, right?”

What a cutie.

Anyhow, I’ve been reading a lot lately since yoga training has made me realize how much more I need to learn. Plus, I got tons of good book recommendations from both my master trainer and other trainees…and soooo, guess who spent $60 on Amazon last week?

But as usual, I’m digressing. Any wonder why my ah-ha’s uses ellipses instead of a dash?!

Anyhow, Eckhart Tolle wrote in A New Earth, “Some changes may look negative on the surface, but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”

I love that line not because it’s telling me anything new, but because it got through to me at the right moment aka it was the last “…” in my “Ah……ha!” It can be so easy to underestimate the power of human denial: I realized that while I had been acknowledging the negative in my life (a good first step nonetheless), I’d forever run circles in square 1 if I didn’t act more positively on those timely u-turns into new directions.

That was the start of the first ah-ha. Face and replace.

Delayed update: my audition to teach yoga in the Fall went very well–she hired me on the spot!

Practicing Some Practical Idealism

Sometimes, I like asking people whose opinion I value and respect what they think. Although most times, I ask after the fact just to get a different point of view. And almost always, I end up doing what I want to do anyhow, taking into consideration what I feel to be the most important. No wonder my grandmother told my mom I’m a willful child. Or maybe it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, hmm…

Anyhow, this is particularly true for matters of the heart, since I’m not one to hide it. For one thing, I can’t do that very well, as one of my good friends from high school can help illustrate:

“Ok, ok, let’s practice.”

“Shoot.”

“So, I show up at your door with flowers, what are you gonna say? I’m him.”

“Hmm, I guess I’d get real quiet because I’d try not to show my emotions.”

He laughs at me, “You can’t do that!”

“What!?”

“That shows the most!”

“Oh. Well, that’s what I did last time, damnit.”

“No, do something that you know he wouldn’t expect. What would he not expect you to do?”

This is tricky, so after contemplating it for a moment, I finally say, “I guess I’d whack him for doing something that’d make me cry.”

“No, no, no…” He gives an exasperated chuckle, “You can’t do that either!”

“Darn.” This is hard.

He goes on to explain, “’Cause then it’ll show him he can make you cry.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” But ever the Hopeful Heart, I charge ahead, “Let’s try another scenario? Maybe?”

“Haha, okay. Let’s say he calls you and asks you to do something with him—“

“I don’t pick up!!!” I say excitedly before realizing, “But then it goes to voicemail, and I’d have to call back…”

Unsurprisingly, we never really did resolve my issue to a satisfactory conclusion, although I definitely felt a lot better. And started seeing the lighter side of things, so to speak.

I suppose if we’re really going to analyze the situation here, I don’t believe in hiding emotions (professionalism excluded, of course) of my heart because I don’t want to ruminate about those What Ifs or swallow bittersweet regrets.

Or maybe I do regret some things, and am only in denial. But I figure if I know that I wouldn’t have done things any other way (even if looking back I probably should have), then at least I can let go and move on.

Then again it can very well be the utter lack of control over certain situations or knowing beforehand it’s really gonna hurt me something terrible that causes me the most stress. Either way, all I know is that I haven’t felt this much stress since my laptop took a swim a few weeks ago. Which, get this, got fixed for FREE by an on-site Sony technician!!!! I mean, there’s a slightly faded 1” vertical strip that wasn’t there before, but they extended my warranty 90 days…so, I’ll be getting a new LCD screen, too!

And sooo, who totally ROCKS? *raises hand*

Alright, I ought to stop my blogging and start all those papers I need to do, all of which are currently nonexistent. Well, unless you count blank Word documents with saved titles…

…in which case, they’d only be nearly nonexistent, right?

Little White Lies

I highly recommend Sony VAIOs. Not one has ever failed in my possession. Instead, I failed them.

That’s right, I’ve managed to destroy my 2nd VAIO notebook, this time in less than a year. Needless to say, at probably the busiest time of the semester, I am royally fucked.

It all started as I was walking out of my Judicial office hours and felt water dripping down the side of my right leg. I dumped everything out on the stairwell nearby, trying not to have a panic attack when I saw a sloshing puddle greet me at the very bottom of my bag. As I pulled my laptop out, water from my bottle was literally dripping raining from it. Sad story short, my laptop did eventually turn back on with some blotchy edges around the screen. Other than that, the screen was in surprisingly good condition…plus, everything else worked fine.

Until…well, until I realized that my AC adapter wasn’t actually charging my laptop.

In horrified denial I watched my laptop go from 40% battery life, to 13%, to 5%…(I held out some hope at 2% because, technically, I have my settings so that if it gets that low, it’s supposed to shut down)…but truth stings with a ominous blip that is the sound of my laptop’s last moment. It refused to be resurrected no matter how many times I pressed that damned power ON button.

Right now, I’m just thankful that I am between projects and didn’t lose any major work. Thankful, that the night before I decided to email my 5 page paper earlier than the Tuesday due date (jeez, when does that ever happen? The Inherent Procrastinator in me is thoroughly confused, yet eternally grateful).

…AND uber-thankful that my first VAIO laptop of 4 years, which sustained major injuries last year due to an accidental trip over an ethernet cord, suddenly decided to expand its minimized 2X3 safe mode screen to a normal full-sized one after sitting in my desk drawer for 8 months. I will accept this freak of nature with no questions asked because it means that for the last 2 weeks of the semester, I’ll at least have working internet, email, and the oh-so-cool program that is Wordpad. Yeah, you know you’re jealous about that last one.

The almost eerie coincidence is that my laptop went kaputt! due to the failures of its owner at the exact same time last year, the week right before April 16th. It’s déjà vu that I’ll be without a fully functioning computer again on that day.

The good thing about this is that my 1-year warranty isn’t up until April 19th. The bad is that Sony doesn’t cover water damage…

But hmm…that’s funny, the interesting thing is that I really don’t understand why my laptop suddenly won’t register charging from my AC adapter. Please fix it…?

*fingers crossed*

Maybe it’s not a u-turn after all

I want to thank you. For your friendship, patience and humor.

Have wanted to express that sentiment for some time now. Like sudden epiphanies—it was wished for sooner, but came not a moment too late. So I thank you, for having made me both deliriously happy and yet ridiculously scared. You brought out some deep insecurities I hadn’t been aware of and some of the boldest courage I didn’t realize I possessed. But that’s not what I’m going to remember you for…

I thank you, for making me realize that I did not find myself once again but am finding out the person I am going to be.

If change is a continual process, then so is acceptance.

For awhile I had to constantly keep reminding myself of that: those things are different…I am a different person today. Like, I’ll take something really mundane. Say, these new shoes I’m wearing—they’re different. So is the ground, that path I walk on as I take the detour around all that new construction going on around here.

It’s those little things, you see. Those subtle changes speak of a major change in my attitude—whether it’s the new hair color (brown instead of red) or body lotion (lavender instead of rose). Because it all points back to me, being becoming different. Things aren’t the same, and a damned good thing they aren’t. It’s like a you-can-do-it mantra you just have to keep repeating whenever you feel yourself slipping back into self-destruct mode. That, or re-watch Enchanted* for an instant pick-me-upper!

As each day brings me closer to the one year mark…the last week of May (with the biggest hurdle probably being April 16^th), I find myself celebrating those small internal victories no one ever knows more and more often.

And so, I thank you. While remembering to give myself a pat on the back, too.

*Becoming Jane, Ratatouille, Over the Hedge, and Little Miss Sunshine are excellent alternatives as well.

Demystifying the Romantic Egotist

Sometimes I think I suffer from a Personal Fable Syndrome. Like everything else, it always starts after a tentative self-diagnosis, this time after reading adolescent psychology (holy shit! what if, developmentally speaking, I never really left my teens?!).

Almost 2 months ago, I was (again) asking myself that question while (again) internally freaking out because I could see how the answer might (again) be an “oh, crap!” yes.

Conclusion as of right now? I think I still will always suffer symptoms of the personal fable. The difference being, however, that I gradually learn to be less arrogantly self-absorbed while being more accountable.

That’s the hope, at least.

Anyhow.

From my time away over winter break, here’s the latest top-down self re-evaluation of my life:

On Family. Love doesn’t always equal tolerance. When something needs to be said, who else but the people who’ve loved you all your life to say it? Being the over-indulgent older sister doesn’t negate my guilty feelings from being away from home so much—it’s compounded. And disapproval shouldn’t be smothered in the name of filial piety. The hardest thing was realizing that for the people I love and care about, respect meant a refusal to ignore what’s right and wrong.

On Relationships. Let go of wallowing self-pity, and let live again. The hardest thing was realizing I had already let go of you back in May because it means these past 7-8 months I’ve been…hah. Um yeah, I’m so glad I finally got over myself, cripes.

On the Future. If you want something, take action. If you’re dissatisfied, take action. If you don’t know something, even if you’re scared shitless…yeah, you guessed it: take action. Seeking comfort outside of yourself can be both misleading and stagnating, not to mention frequently temporary. The hardest thing was realizing how often the very things I try to escape into are the very opposite of what I should be doing.

There, demystified.

Now all that’s left is to figure out just what to do about my Princess Complex.

KIDDING.

Sort of.